Dear Jessie,
Myself and my partner have been together for almost 2 years. He also says that because my friends (who are my age) are all buying houses and moving in together and getting married he feels a pressure to do that and he's just not ready - even though our relationship needs to move forward. Anyway, I got very upset and made it very clear I didn't agree that breaking up is the answer and he is very stubborn - he has definitely made his mind up. He did say we might try again in a few years but not to hang on for him as that's not fair. Because of my busy work commitments we broke up over the phone and I am meeting him for lunch today - to say goodbye in person. I'm heartbroken and don't want to come across as desperate.
My Dear Friend,
This type of abrupt transition can really hurt. I'm sure he is hurting too, but the way he's coping with his pain is not to face it - and to just break it off. You might be his best friend, as you are, and instead of asking WHY?! for your needs, ask him Why? for his needs. Let him know you are committed to his friendship regardless of his idea to fix things and ask him for HIS friendship by allowing the transition to not be so abrupt, but a powerful one...regardless of where you end up!Remember, he may need a break and you might not. Really listen to the reasons behind his quick fix and something is bound to come up for you both.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
How to rekindle our relationship?
Dear Jessie,
Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up about a month ago. Leading up to the break-up we'd both been very busy with other things and hadn't been seeing each other very much. She has a very stressful new job and it's been important for her to work hard at it, obviously 'we' have suffered as a result.For a long time i've been too comfotable in the relationship and haven't been giving it what it deserved, up until the break up she had been the opposite. I know she truly loved me, and i loved her too. she broke up with me because we'd drifted apart, and she needed to concentrate on her job. I really want to make things work out. My question is, What would be the best way to get things back on track? Should we be friends?
My Dear Friend,
I see you would like to rekindle your relationship. Great! Letting yourself be "too comfortable" was a way of not taking a leadership role. So she did. Her way to solve her problem was to release the relationship. It may have been the most invigorating thing for her to do, as it served her well at that time.Have you checked in with her lately? Is it still serving her well to be alone? Have you asked what she REALLY needed that you weren't providing her? Are you willing to give that to her consistently - the way she says? The best way to get things back on track is to accept you don't know what track that is (for now) and simply be the friend she needs (for now) and if it's right, you both will be finding yourself holding each other once again. In the meantime, be attractive! Involve yourself. Participate. Be the fire that people want to be closer to.
Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up about a month ago. Leading up to the break-up we'd both been very busy with other things and hadn't been seeing each other very much. She has a very stressful new job and it's been important for her to work hard at it, obviously 'we' have suffered as a result.For a long time i've been too comfotable in the relationship and haven't been giving it what it deserved, up until the break up she had been the opposite. I know she truly loved me, and i loved her too. she broke up with me because we'd drifted apart, and she needed to concentrate on her job. I really want to make things work out. My question is, What would be the best way to get things back on track? Should we be friends?
My Dear Friend,
I see you would like to rekindle your relationship. Great! Letting yourself be "too comfortable" was a way of not taking a leadership role. So she did. Her way to solve her problem was to release the relationship. It may have been the most invigorating thing for her to do, as it served her well at that time.Have you checked in with her lately? Is it still serving her well to be alone? Have you asked what she REALLY needed that you weren't providing her? Are you willing to give that to her consistently - the way she says? The best way to get things back on track is to accept you don't know what track that is (for now) and simply be the friend she needs (for now) and if it's right, you both will be finding yourself holding each other once again. In the meantime, be attractive! Involve yourself. Participate. Be the fire that people want to be closer to.
Wife says I'm looking at other women
Dear Jessie,
I have been married for five months. When we go out lately, she is angry that I am looking at other girls. Maybe I am? I am not aware. Is this a common thing for the newly married? I love her and she is the first thing in my life. She says she trusts me, but it's disrespectful. What should I do?
My Dear Friend,
It's great that you are putting your wife first. It sounds as if you don't know when you are looking at other women. Somehow she is bringing insecurities about this type of behavior into your relationship - regardless it being you or her past. Regardless, simply ask her to tell you when you are doing this (in the moment). Tell her you don't want to create insecurity in your relationship and if there is anything you are doing that does this, you want to be very aware about it. It's completely honest to say you enjoy beauty, but if it takes away the attention from your wife, your nonverbal behavior says "DON'T TRUST ME - I'm looking." She picks up on this, makes meaning and then attacks you to make it VERY apparent it hurts her. If you don't want to hurt your wife, be a team and get this behind both of you.
I have been married for five months. When we go out lately, she is angry that I am looking at other girls. Maybe I am? I am not aware. Is this a common thing for the newly married? I love her and she is the first thing in my life. She says she trusts me, but it's disrespectful. What should I do?
My Dear Friend,
It's great that you are putting your wife first. It sounds as if you don't know when you are looking at other women. Somehow she is bringing insecurities about this type of behavior into your relationship - regardless it being you or her past. Regardless, simply ask her to tell you when you are doing this (in the moment). Tell her you don't want to create insecurity in your relationship and if there is anything you are doing that does this, you want to be very aware about it. It's completely honest to say you enjoy beauty, but if it takes away the attention from your wife, your nonverbal behavior says "DON'T TRUST ME - I'm looking." She picks up on this, makes meaning and then attacks you to make it VERY apparent it hurts her. If you don't want to hurt your wife, be a team and get this behind both of you.
Fiance wants to move away from my family
Dear Jessie,
I'm engaged to a young lady who feels I should not care about my family and move with her to start her career, because she is marrying me, not my family and she is moving from her family. Am I being selfish in my request for her to bend on this or should I leave my family which I absolutely love and my best friends so she can do this?
My Dear Friend,
You might move mountains to be with this woman. You might move mountains to be with your family. To have a relationship where one feels they are putting more IN than getting OUT is a big red flag. She sounds as if she is a very driven person and somewhere, deep down, a need it being fulfilled. It sounds as if you are a very family-oriented person and somewhere, deep down, a need it being fulfilled. Let's just say your need is BELONGING and hers is LOVE. These two needs are not conflicting, you see. It's just a matter of HOW they are being met. A relationship is about a committment. A job is about a committment. Extended family is about committment. Which one rules your lives? The only way to know is to ask each other and agree on a way to live - where both of your needs are met.
My mother doesn't approve
Dear Jessie,
I'm coming to you with a problem that I have had for a while now. I need major help. I do feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. So...I have been with this wonderful guy for more than 5 years. However, my mom doesn't like him (she barely knows him) and doesn't want anything to do with him. She thinks that my life would be a waste if I ended up with this guy. I guess she might change her mind later, once we both graduate and get jobs and prove to her that we are a good match. But until then, am I supposed to just wait until the right time comes for me to tell her that I do love and that I do want to be with for the rest of my life? Does she mean it when she says that she doesn't want my boyfriend to have anything to do with me? I just feel so helpless. I love my him to death, but disappointing my parents is the biggest fear. Please help.
My Dear Friend,
From what I've read, it seems as if you are struggling between wanting to please your mother OR experiencing a full committment to love, freedom and expression. If you look at this as black and white [either/or] it will be a struggle. You have the opportunity to have both!I was told at one point to "marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other." If you have great conversations, the atraction is amazing, and you both have been trained on effective communication skills, this is the recipe for a great marriage. It is important to know your mother is being the mommy she knows how to be. She is concerned. Her concerns are valid and can't be debated. They are hers to own - not yours. To spend time debating her truth (her perception of your boyfriend) would be a waste of your energy. Debate gets you no where :) What will get you somewhere is seeing this "struggle" as a powerful opportunity to produce the relationship you have wanted with your mother all your life.
I'm guess this isn't the first time she has strong opinions of what you should do/who you should be. If you make her wrong for her opinions, your relationships is not at it's optimum. If she makes you wrong for your decisions, your relationships is not at it's optimum. Perhaps you can open a very genuine conversation with her regarding this. This might open the window necessary to respect you as an adult, an individual, and her daughter...all at the same time. Perhaps you will see you haven't been listening to her in the way she wanted you to hear her. Would it be great if your boyfriend could ask your parent(s) for your hand in marriage? If you want both, then do whatever it takes to hear your mother in a way you have never heard her. If she trusts you do, she will be more open to you taking a leap of faith. Besides, isn't leaping the only way to learn?:)
I'm coming to you with a problem that I have had for a while now. I need major help. I do feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. So...I have been with this wonderful guy for more than 5 years. However, my mom doesn't like him (she barely knows him) and doesn't want anything to do with him. She thinks that my life would be a waste if I ended up with this guy. I guess she might change her mind later, once we both graduate and get jobs and prove to her that we are a good match. But until then, am I supposed to just wait until the right time comes for me to tell her that I do love and that I do want to be with for the rest of my life? Does she mean it when she says that she doesn't want my boyfriend to have anything to do with me? I just feel so helpless. I love my him to death, but disappointing my parents is the biggest fear. Please help.
My Dear Friend,
From what I've read, it seems as if you are struggling between wanting to please your mother OR experiencing a full committment to love, freedom and expression. If you look at this as black and white [either/or] it will be a struggle. You have the opportunity to have both!I was told at one point to "marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other." If you have great conversations, the atraction is amazing, and you both have been trained on effective communication skills, this is the recipe for a great marriage. It is important to know your mother is being the mommy she knows how to be. She is concerned. Her concerns are valid and can't be debated. They are hers to own - not yours. To spend time debating her truth (her perception of your boyfriend) would be a waste of your energy. Debate gets you no where :) What will get you somewhere is seeing this "struggle" as a powerful opportunity to produce the relationship you have wanted with your mother all your life.
I'm guess this isn't the first time she has strong opinions of what you should do/who you should be. If you make her wrong for her opinions, your relationships is not at it's optimum. If she makes you wrong for your decisions, your relationships is not at it's optimum. Perhaps you can open a very genuine conversation with her regarding this. This might open the window necessary to respect you as an adult, an individual, and her daughter...all at the same time. Perhaps you will see you haven't been listening to her in the way she wanted you to hear her. Would it be great if your boyfriend could ask your parent(s) for your hand in marriage? If you want both, then do whatever it takes to hear your mother in a way you have never heard her. If she trusts you do, she will be more open to you taking a leap of faith. Besides, isn't leaping the only way to learn?:)
Living w/ my mom again
Dear Jessie,
I love my mom but now that we are in the same house together i feel like my childhood is back.. i am 34 and have an insecure feeling and worry to much of what she thinks of me... i don't like that.. i know we can't change people and that is not what i want to do i just want freedom within myself...
My Dear Friend,
I see you would like to build security with your mom so that you have freedom within your relationship.Without telling me what she has done that makes you react with insecurity, I would only be able to suggest to pay attention to what that might be. What exactly does she do that creates insecure feelings in the moment? When you can name her behavior (ie. snide remarks, criticism, etc), then find out her intention beneath the behavior. Let her know that her intention is not being fulfilled with her choice of behavior. Then, together, come up with a way to meet that intention in a more positive light!
I love my mom but now that we are in the same house together i feel like my childhood is back.. i am 34 and have an insecure feeling and worry to much of what she thinks of me... i don't like that.. i know we can't change people and that is not what i want to do i just want freedom within myself...
My Dear Friend,
I see you would like to build security with your mom so that you have freedom within your relationship.Without telling me what she has done that makes you react with insecurity, I would only be able to suggest to pay attention to what that might be. What exactly does she do that creates insecure feelings in the moment? When you can name her behavior (ie. snide remarks, criticism, etc), then find out her intention beneath the behavior. Let her know that her intention is not being fulfilled with her choice of behavior. Then, together, come up with a way to meet that intention in a more positive light!
He wants to go fishing - withOUT me.
Dear Jessie,
My husband and I recently had a disagreement and I need an unbiased opinion. He works for a fishing company which is holding a "family fishing trip" The glitch is, spouses aren't invited but they can bring their kids. I was hurt when my husband told me he still wanted to go. I know I will feel really left out while he's spending a Sunday with his coworkers and their kids (we don't have kids). I can't make him feel the way I do, I just wish he did! What do you think?
My Dear Friend,
It can be hurtful when someone doesn't see your pain AND disregards it when you let them know directly how much it hurts. I wonder how many other spouses feel the same way you do. You are VERY correct in knowing you can't make him feel the way you do. That painful feeling must be coming from somewhere deep inside based on past experiences with him. Although, you really don't know where he's coming from unless you ask him this: "What is your intention behind participating in a work event without me?" If you truly listen and mirror what you hear him say, you will not feel pained anymore, but empathetic to his needs. If you want him to do the same with you, ask him if he'd be interested in knowing WHY you feel the way you do.You will find there is always a way to meet in the middle if both of you are willing to walk forward instead of backwards.
My husband and I recently had a disagreement and I need an unbiased opinion. He works for a fishing company which is holding a "family fishing trip" The glitch is, spouses aren't invited but they can bring their kids. I was hurt when my husband told me he still wanted to go. I know I will feel really left out while he's spending a Sunday with his coworkers and their kids (we don't have kids). I can't make him feel the way I do, I just wish he did! What do you think?
My Dear Friend,
It can be hurtful when someone doesn't see your pain AND disregards it when you let them know directly how much it hurts. I wonder how many other spouses feel the same way you do. You are VERY correct in knowing you can't make him feel the way you do. That painful feeling must be coming from somewhere deep inside based on past experiences with him. Although, you really don't know where he's coming from unless you ask him this: "What is your intention behind participating in a work event without me?" If you truly listen and mirror what you hear him say, you will not feel pained anymore, but empathetic to his needs. If you want him to do the same with you, ask him if he'd be interested in knowing WHY you feel the way you do.You will find there is always a way to meet in the middle if both of you are willing to walk forward instead of backwards.
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